What Happens When Eros Gets Drunk
by lightblue-Nymphadora
Summary: Aphrodite has to do some damage control after Eros causes some interesting pairings... Slash and femslash. Crack!fic...you've all been warned.
1. Prologue

_**LbN: So a random troll provoked me back to the PJO fandom today. Got lovely reviews calling me a "lesbian bitch" and telling me to get my fics out of the "straight zone". Thus, for your viewing pleasure, a shit ton of PJO slash and femslash. Enjoy :).**_

Athena marched through the newly rebuilt halls of Olympus. It was a specific march—the kind that said, "Kindly get the hell out of my way" to anyone who would be stupid enough to get in her way in the first place. But as she strode toward Aphrodite's apartments, she met no one.

And the reason was apparent once she reached the goddess of love's door. The rest of the gods and goddesses had queued up to complain as well.

"Everyone, quiet!" Aphrodite screeched, hair going from blonde to ginger. "Listen, I can't find Eros right now, but I assure you I will have words with him when—"

"Aphrodite!" a voice boomed.

"Yes, Daddy?" Aphrodite asked in her best "little princess" voice.

Zeus looked at her sternly. "Where's your son? Your godly son," he specified. "I'd like to ask him why my child is currently shacking up with—"

"Trust when we say, we don't want to know," Hades said from the shadows.

"Get in line, Zeus," Poseidon said. "All of our kids are…er…showing new sides of themselves."

"As I was telling the group," Aphrodite said through clenched teeth, "I will do my best to locate Eros today. And I will keep a close eye on your children in the meantime to make sure no…er…untoward consequences come of this."

The rest of the gods cast dark glances at her and walked off mumbling.

She ran a hand through her hair, frustrated. Walking back into her room, she went straight to the tiny set of bells on her dresser and rang the hell out of the fifth one. Wherever Eros was, his head would be splitting by the time she stopped. After a couple minutes of constant ringing, she set the bell down and settled down in front of her viewing portal. Time to see who she'd need to visit first.

Looked like it would be Nico and Percy.


	2. Percy and Nico

_**LbN: Happy reading!**_

Aphrodite appeared next to her children's cabin at Camp Half Blood and walked toward the lake. She stayed cloaked. Normally, she loved the opportunity to see her children, but today was about business. She moved quickly, and found herself approaching a cabin near the sprawling lake. There was a motorcycle made of skulls parked out front. She paused near the…entryway. The son of Poseidon's cabin didn't really have a door. She could hear voices inside.

"Sweet merciful Olympus, they're reciting poetry to each other…" she muttered, entering quietly.

Percy and Nico were cuddling—fucking cuddling—on Percy's hammock. The goddess cleared her throat, and their heads snapped up.

"Afternoon," she said, trying not to smile. It really wasn't funny. "I see you've…undertaken a new…er…well, nevermind. I just wanted to check in."

"Why?" Percy asked suspiciously.

"I enjoy being in the presence of true love," Aphrodite lied, crossing her fingers behind her back. It wasn't actually a lie—she did enjoy being in the presence of true love—but she had a feeling this was less of that, and more about Eros's arrows. She'd have to ascertain how much damage had been done before she could administer the cure. "I know we've had out differences in the past—"

"Yeah," Percy scoffed. "Differences. With you and your dickhead boyfriend."

The ground rumbled a bit, and the 25-year-old rolled his eyes.

"Sorry," he muttered. "You were saying?"

"I was saying, I wanted to see if this was just experimentation or if it's real."

"Of course it's real," Nico said. "Why wouldn't it be?"

Aphrodite shrugged. "It's one of the things I can't tell. Young people are very free with their hearts and emotions."

"We are not," Percy argued.

"Should have stayed at Camp Jupiter if you wanted me to even begin to believe that. You Greek demigods are notoriously emotional. Still, it's difficult to know, sometimes. Anyway, I wish you well. I have others to visit this day."

The boys went back to their poetry book as Aphrodite left them.

She stopped at Percy's mini-fridge and opened it. She waved her hand over the bottles of water and soda, which turned pink momentarily. Satisfied, she closed the fridge door and walked back into the sunlight. Putting on her sunglasses, she pulled out her purple iPhone to look at the GodLocate app. She didn't spot Eros, which meant he was cloaked. "Going to kill him."

With a snap of her fingers, she went back to Olympus. The hall she was in sloped downward, and the golden tiles began to turn a beautiful teal color. "Annabeth's got fabulous taste…" Aphrodite muttered. That reminded her, she'd seen Athena in the complaint line earlier. Obviously she'd have to pay a visit to the young architect. "Poseidon?" she called. The door was blocked by a waterfall, and she didn't really feel like getting her hair wet.

"Tell me things have been rectified?" he asked.

Her uncle was probably the closest thing to a patient god, but she still wasn't going to mess about when it came to his favorite son. "I've placed the antidote. Your son doesn't trust me…understandably. He'll be back to normal as soon as he takes a drink."

Poseidon nodded, then winced. "Er…I think he just did. The blasphemy in my ears right now indicates that he's just realized something."

"I'll go see to the others."

"Good luck."

She went back to her apartments and (after ringing Eros's summoning bell a few more times) sat at her viewing portal. She'd been right—she definitely needed to visit the daughter of Athena.

But it looked like her own daughter was the more pressing problem at present.

"Zeus, give me strength," she grumped. "Time to visit the Romans…."


	3. Cures All Around

**What Happens When Eros Gets Drunk**

Every god loves prayers. The bowing, and worship, and all that. It's in their nature. That's why, for preference, they all tend to favor visiting Camp Jupiter. Not to say that their Roman children are their favorite…they just like the pomp and circumstance of appearing to them.

Aphrodite didn't have time to revel in the kneeling figures today. She was on a mission. "You, Roman. What is your name?"

"My name is Magnus, my lady. Son of Apollo."

"Show me to my Temple, Magnus, son of Apollo. It has been long since I visited last."

"Of course, my lady." He whistled, and two Pegasi appeared pulling a carriage. "It's faster this way."

"Well, then, let us make haste."

Magnus blushed, and took hold of the reins.

* * *

The Temple of Venus was empty, save for three people. One of the…for lack of a better word, priestesses, Reyna and Piper were all standing near the altar.

"My thanks, Magnus," the goddess said as she hopped from the cart.

He bowed to her, beaming.

She sped into her temple and called to her daughter. "Piper!"

Both young women turned.

"Mother?" Piper asked. "What—"

"I just…I heard you were about take the plunge, so to speak," Aphrodite said breathlessly. She tried to keep it casual. "When one of my children is about to be bonded in my temple…I make it my business to come down. Perhaps we could…er…have a drink before the ceremony continues?" she asked the youngest girl.

"Of course!" the temple assistant ran to the corner to fetch what in the olden days would have been wine.

"Monster Energy Drink?" Aphrodite asked.

"It's popular," the temple assistant said. "We try to keep up with current trends." She poured three cups and passed them out.

Aphrodite waved her hand over them. "Well…congrats, as you kids say."

Reyna and Piper both drank.

Aphrodite watched as the antidote did its work. The change was subtle in Reyna, but Piper looked absolutely horrified.

"Were we…did we just almost…"

"I think so."

Aphrodite sighed. This was getting to be a tiring day. "Come here, Piper," she said, wrapping her in a brief hug. "Don't worry. It was just a trick of Cupid's."

"Might I suggest confiscating his arrows?" Reyna asked, sitting down.

Aphrodite smiled at them. "Well, since you're both back to normal, there are others I must visit."

"It wasn't just us?" Piper asked.

"Oh no."

"Did the Greeks get hit too?"

"Most assuredly. In fact, that's where I'm off to next. Behave yourselves," she said with a wink, before transporting herself back to Olympus.

* * *

The goddess rang Eros's summoning bell, but her heart wasn't in it. She had too many kids to look after to really keep it up. Looking into her viewing portal, she saw that she would need to visit the son of Hephastus, who was currently writing love notes to the son of Dionysus. She'd need to visit her daughter, Drew, who was cuddling the daughter of Pluto. And…oh fuck, she'd have to go see Jason sooner rather than later. Might as well make that her next stop….

* * *

After administering at least twelve more cures, Aphrodite was beyond tired. She still had one more stop to make before she could go home and take her much needed bubble bath. She didn't even bother acting human as she walked into Chase Tower. She transported herself straight into Annabeth's office.

She saw far more than she ever wanted to.

"For the love of Olympus, will the two of you put your clothes on!" she snapped.

"Aunt Aphrodite," Annabeth grumbled, as Clarisse flipped off the desk in shock. "Could you please knock next time?"

"I come with a friendly bit of advice…. If you are going to continue your little illicit affair, I'd suggest you remember to cloak yourselves. We gave you that gift after the Great War for a reason. This isn't the precise reason, but still…."

"Oh, shit, does my dad know?" Clarisse asked, pulling on her shirt.

"Well, yes and no. Your parents got an eyeful this morning, yes. But luckily for you, Eros had a little fun last night. All of your friends got hit with some…er…sexy drops. So Ares and Athena think you got hit as well. I know better, though."

"Are you going to tell them?" Annabeth asked.

"Of course not. I don't meddle in the affairs of demigods and their parents. But I suggest you do. They'll probably react better than you think. They freaked out this morning because they thought you weren't yourselves."

Annabeth and Clarisse exchanged a skeptical glance.

Aphrodite laughed. "Think it over. I have business elsewhere."

_**LbN: The Fallout chapter is next. **_


	4. Epilogue

_**LbN: Well, that'll teach me to write crack!fic and be sarcastic in the disclaimer, lol. Here's the last chapter. Hope the story made you chuckle! Thanks for reading. **_

The demigods, both Greek and Roman, sat silently around the campfire. After the day's events, they'd all used their various modes of Olympian transportation to meet up in Chicago. They'd decided that they needed some pizza and a venting session with just those who'd been affected. Still, now that they were here, they were all too embarrassed to say anything.

Percy and Nico were looking anywhere but at each other. Reyna and Piper seemed to be taking it all in stride, but were sitting at opposite ends of the table. Drew and Hector, son of Hephaestus, were having a good laugh over the gods awful poetry he'd written. Hazel was trying to avoid Pallus's probing questions.

"Wait," Nico said finally. "Where are Annabeth and Clarisse? I thought Aphrodite said she was visiting them too."

"Yeah, but I doubt she had to administer a cure with those two," Reyna said with a snort.

"Word," Percy said.

* * *

Aphrodite strolled through one of the dingier streets of Las Vegas, frowning at the pungent odor. She came upon a pile of trash larger than the rest, and kicked it. It groaned, and she smiled grimly. "Up you get, Eros!" she barked.

Her son sat up, shaking his head groggily. Even after a night of sleeping under a pile of rubbish, he looked perfect. Tall, strong, and a spitting image of Colin Firth's Alexander the Great, he stood and shook himself once more. "Mom," he whined. "Was all of the bell ringing really necessary?"

"After I had to deal with the fallout from your shooting spree? Yes."

"Shooting…?" He trailed off, looking around his feet. He nudged some of the trash away and located his bow. It was bright bronze, and would have blinded any mortal unlucky enough to be caught down that alley with the gods. "Er…where's my quiver?"

Aphrodite rolled her eyes as her son searched the ally.

"Ah ha!" he finally yelled, climbing out of the dumpster. "Empty…."

"Yes, you spent all of them last night," Aphrodite snapped.

"Who'd I get?"

"A handful of demigods. You seemed to be in a mood to make all of them gay."

"Well, at least Annabeth and Clarisse will be in good company now," he said, flashing her a winning smile. He flinched when she smacked him upside the head. "Ow! What was that for?"

"I had to go around administering antidotes, you great dolt! Get your over-tanned arse up to Olympus and apologize to the rest of the gods!"

"Yes, Mother."

"And no more drinking. You obviously can't handle your liquor as well as me."

"Debatable," he muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing!"


End file.
